More and more these days I am experiencing a world of memories – both have beens and wish-I-coulds in the midst of tossing and turning. And when my eyes press open the desire to wake and go to work for no other reason then not wanting to be imprisoned by unguided thought any longer, it is as if in that first moment of focused light there is a faceless entity welcoming me with a hand and a soft voice reminding me at each waking moment, “It is time now.”
The time in our lives when we choose to heal is not always an obvious choice and not always a choice where we can stop ourselves. I wish that I could make others understand and yet I don’t. It is no one’s right to understand. This is my path and mine alone. The thoughts that have jump so radically that I can barely perceive the emotional sense that I have combined to these truths. My truths. The whiplashed time battle is truly unbelievable. I talk less and less knowing that the more this self release prolongs the more it seems to others to be a self-diagnosed insanity when in turn it is a life long release. Exhale…………………………..
I do not feel that these are my daemons and so I cannot apologize if they scare you or you do not approve. However, they do take my breath away and leave me confused in moments as if I almost don’t remember what it is that I just went through because it wasn’t just now or yesterday but five years ago, two years ago, and suddenly now I am a child. Hold me. I want to be loved. I am sick of being taken care of. Don’t baby me. Everyone else’s timing in life annoys me these days as if to say don’t you see all that I’m doing here? My life consists of The Tower – a popular card in tarot.
The popular story of the Fool & The Tower is that once there was a Fool who left the throne of his God and came upon a beautiful Tower that was familiar to her. The Fool recalled the magnificent Tower as one she helped to build when the most important thing in her life was to make her mark on the world and prove herself better than others, better than her previous self. Inside this Tower, arrogant men and women lived and were convinced of their righteousness. This made the Fool proud.
Seeing the Tower again, the Fool thought she saw a bolt of lighting and thought to herself that she had left that life behind now that she was on a spiritual self-journey. But she realized now that she was not. Although she is outside of the Tower, she now only sees herself as along, singular and superior.
This self-awareness has shocked the Fool so much that she cries out in terror, releasing a heavenly strike towards the Tower. The Tower falls to rubble and only rocks remain. Stunned and shaken, the Fool has experienced a profound fear and is left in disbelief. A strange clarity of vision has overwhelmed the Fool and her third eye is opened. She tore down her resistance to change and sacrifice, came to terms with Death and learned about moderation, temperance and power. Overall, she has done that which was hardest – she has destroyed the lies within herself. What are left are the foundations of truth. Now she can rebuild.
Although my reactions are not so intense. The surface of my life is rather placid with disruptions as normal as sunlit, afternoon rain clouds. I wake up. I go to work. I laugh with my coworkers. I turn in my reports early. I go the extra mile. I drive home. My commute is small enough that I hardly get to listen to music. I’m home late. I cook. I shower. I sleep. I occasionally watch a movie. Good friends drop by. I water my plants. I change out the laundry. I recycle. I pick up milk from the grocery store. I plan to spend more time with my girl friends. My life is fairly normal. I go about it whether or not anyone is watching. I keep going whether or not anyone is with me.
But inside, my dialogue is either screaming, questioning, or sound asleep. Every moment of my life since coming into the world suddenly has a great meaning, a purpose that must be met, understood, or otherwise dismissed. The wheels are churning. My heart burns. My stomach aches and another weekend goes by where I decide it isn’t important to speak to anyone and I don’t feel like hanging the pictures or cleaning the office today. All my energy has been spent hanging on to a roller coaster within – things I thought I was over, things I never thought would return.
Filed under: Daily Life, Self Healing, tarot, the tower, the tower card, the tower tarot
