I use to stay at work late at night for the chance of one more hug – one more lingering moment to dance around the office and laugh, to make him smile and find something more to talk about; to see how long he would walk backwards while saying goodbye to me and how many times he would come back before walking away from me for the night. I knew it wouldn’t last.
There was something about the way I had been upgraded to actual lunch date and set plans; the way that it had become morning routine for me to bring in “breakfast” NRG. Hugs grew longer and whoever was watching us became less and less of a big deal. Then we were tripping out the doorway for our afternoon walks, his arms around my waist, holding me while he walked behind me for a moment. Somehow I knew those would be our last moments. I had purposefully not asked about the weekend. I did not want to feel the tinge of any denial of plans. I felt he knew he could ask me. But I knew that he wouldn’t. So for once, the weekend went by so slowly. Nothing. No one.
Now I stay at work trudging through the same need to do homework and when he passes by my office he does not even look as he does not expect me to be there and when my coworker grabs my knee in reassurance that I can make it through that brief moment of him passing by I wonder what it is she is distracting me from and miss my opportunity to memorize his face for the weekend like a still, stern painting. Motionless. Emotionless. There is nothing to look forward to in the mornings or evenings. No NRG or walks. No enlightening conversations or waltzing hugs goodnight. It has only been two days and the moments grow shorter as I have to capture myself in reminders to put down the phone and disregard the effort to try this again. The ball is not in my court and this is not mine to keep. Despite anything to look forward to, I deserve more hours in the day and the feelings and desire of a genuine commitment. It has been six years since I have known what a relationship is or should be. It is time I stop giving everything a chance but myself.
Filed under: Relationships, being strong, breaking up, Breakups
