I have shared some of my most intimate and private feelings and thoughts lately – things that I have never really said out loud in a tone that was serious where people really understood what I meant or where I was coming from. Ever since I told him how I felt, since I put myself on the line, I have been in a daze. I find myself wandering off, mid-sentence starring past the blinds into the concrete void watching for something. Lost.
And in those moments my sweet friend Beth has looked up at me and pleaded, “Caz, what can I do for you?”
After two days of unproductive starring and lack of defined emotion, my words started to form as quickly as my thoughts and more quickly than my emotions. I began to vent.
“You know, I don’t even care if he was kidding or not about getting married. He caught me in a moment that was raw and it’s the very fact that he was willing to joke and that he always tends to be the last straw that got to me. I BURST into tears. It wasn’t even that I cared or didn’t care. It was simply that everyone is doing something with their lives and I am perpetually working so hard on myself and my life for what?”
Bethany looked at me wide-eyed with nothing to say as I continued… “You know how I told you that my ex’s wife is pregnant or his ex is. Whatever. I don’t even know what to call who anymore. It doesn’t matter. It just isn’t fair because I’ll always be the “whore” and she will always be the mom and there’s some sort of honor in that. And the biggest reason why I can’t have the life we suffered three years for is because she’s the mom and we could never mix families. Ever. There’s no way she would let me ever have a part of those children’s lives.”
Perhaps I was starting to ramble but it was starting to get real for me. I was coming to my point, the part that was really bothering me – the between the lines, the nightmares, the untold factors that can’t be said to anyone because it scares the shit out of them.
“You know, I was as sweet as you once,” I said to Beth. “I went from seminary President to pregnant in a matter of months. I did what I did to reassure the roof over my head and in a desperate need for love at the time – whatever it was. But I was very sick. It was a problem pregnancy and it was killing us both. I had to get an abortion. My body wouldn’t miscarry. I was kicked out and homeless at the time that I got one. It was a lot of fun I tell ya. But I just think about it now…” I paused and took a deep breath… “I think about the fact that my ex is joking around about getting married, his wife has three kids at home and a brand new baby on the way, and I am suppose to have an eight year old daughter right now. Beth, it isn’t fair. It really fucking isn’t fair because I have tried so hard to bring myself out of the darkest places to be such a better person with no help and be where I am today and yet I haven’t even had a committed relationship in six years. Nobody wants to be with me.”
To my absolute surprise Bethany burst into tears with a gasp of breath which shocked the brimming tears from my eyelids and together at the front desk at work, in front of everyone, we cried obvious tears and shaky breaths trying desperately to hold it back as we insisted out loud that we loved each other and I held her young cheeks telling her what a sweetheart she was. Although she is a good friend of mine, I suddenly felt guilty for having shared such a story with her young ears. Sometimes I forget that she is not as old and scared for life as I am.
“You know what I really want Bethany?”
“What?” she asked as she dried her eyes.
“I just want so desperately to pay off all these crappy student loans of mine so I have this extra $1,000 a month to adopt a baby. I don’t really need a man. I just want a baby with or without.”
“I will take care of it! Seriously! You won’t even need daycare.”
“See, it’ll work out. I don’t believe in daycares. They scare me. Maybe I can still pay my debts by the time I am 32 and adopt a little Asian baby.”
“That would be so great!”
For the rest of the night I exhausted myself of the emotional possibility of ever having a father in the home. I mistrusted the inconsistency and the commitment of anyone who has ever desired or tried to this day and with every ounce of heartache I knew that it was something I had to do alone. There was something protective in nature about me that wanted to do it alone. Anyone can hurt me and leave me behind but nobody can do it to a child. Not my child. At the same time I could barely listen to my coworker tell stories or laugh out loud at her jokes as I spent most of the night looking for the one person I wanted to see pass by one last time. I missed him more than anything. It had been so long since I had felt the feeling of needing someone or missing something desperately after only one or two days. I welcomed the misery like an old friend – a reassurance that emotions still exist and that I would love again. Someday.
Filed under: Daily Life, abortion, adoption, Babies, pregnant
