Reality fights.

I have a need for speed in my life. I have a fast car. I am pursuing a fast bike. When snowboarding, I tend to bomb the straights and take the longest rides where I can gain momentum. But when it comes to dating, I’m not so sure the need for speed is a ride I will survive without some fear, loathing and sickness.

Every time I meet someone new, I get the same BS line about how I must have a million guys beckoning my call. When my brother and I first moved in together over a year ago and were entering the bachelor(ette) phase together he would often compare our rising popularity. This was a game I hated to play but he insisted on proving that the odds were about 45 to 1 in responsivness. Now that he has signed me up as the reluctant cupid on a dating website and turned over the reigns, he’s trying even more to prove the odds as some sense of reassurance. The thing is, I do not need a boost in confidence or any sense of validation from a number derived from matching percentages and an inbox number “You’ve got mail,” does not bring me a sense of satisfaction as much as it brings me another knotch in my things to do list and another sense of pass-time. Still, my expectations were raised by the sense of hope it had instilled in those that surrounded me. Their hope instilled a sense of security and excitement in me. This was all before I realized the transparent difference in confidence levels between myself and the people who were gaining so much composure from the briefiest levels of contact. This was before I realized that the compatability level fails to equate the least obvious factor of my personality which is the fact that I would never do this… and therefore I would likely not look for someone who spends so much of their time doing this. This is an argument I have made before and somehow failed to even hear myself until I had gone on six dates with six different people in a matter of ten days with three or four more dates left planned and I was left in complete tears at the notion that even men at my level; people who are my so-called caliber are interested mostly in riding the coattails of my success or going into business with me because they see me an equal opportunity. Although attraction may be a factor, money becomes a greater factor. I am so sick of fair weather people. I am so sick of people who see me as an opportunity for their benefit and not as someone who is worthwhile, more than a friend, beautiful, or significant. I have worked hard to be a well rounded person – educated, self-sustaining, smart, etc. – not to start a business with someone, but to start a life with more than just myself. Move along. I am not your investment. Ever heard the word prenup?

The whole idea made me angry and sent me into a frenzy I wasn’t ready to deal with on top of my last few days of my MBA. Then to top off the emotional hazard, my brother accepts a job this weekend which moves him to Los Angeles with only 7 days notice. Que: Complete polar meltdown. School, a false hope, and losing my right hip, my best friend, my partner in crime to my least favorite city on the planet!!!!

I did what I know best to do and I took my troubles to the ultimate therapist and my second Dad, Davee. I began to vent more than I knew I had to say and took a handful of tissues from his box. I was at my wits ends. Suddenly, without expecting to, in the middle of my dasterdly disturbance, in response to his random response in a one in a million chance in meeting someone just like he had met his wife, I told him my own precarious story of how I had met Miguel on a warm Friday thr 13th when I originally was chasing his roommate and thought that I was being set up to meet him. Instead, I was punked and by midnight I was arguing over how we couldn’t get married because I would only ever divorce him once. The hours snuck by and the feeling of being so excited to see someone every day drove my life, making each day that much better. I missed the calls at night, the IMs in the morning, the walks to the corner store, the plans for lunch and the afternoon strolls. I missed how every day would escalate into something more meaningful. I missed the laughter. I was devestated by how my attempt to make a better decision resulted in a more dramatic emotional experience for us both. Neither of us appearred happy. I most definitely wasn’t doing what I wanted or believed in. I was making decisions based on other’s opinions on a situation and person they did not know – something they were comparing unfairly and attempting to protect me because I had genuine and real feelings for someone who hadn’t chosen me instantly. Give me a break. My life is my own and I need to stop saving people from the idea of being happy with me and then wondering why they are so miserable and I am so alone. I have never come to a point in my life where I did not know what to do. That is what makes this so real and I agree with Davee that I need to do myself a favor and get out of my own way on this one.

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Filed under: Daily Life, Relationships, Self Healing