I can’t always tell you how I am feeling. In fact, there are times where I can’t speak at all; where an absence seems to roll in like a beautiful heaven of bright fog – laying out endless possibilities in my mind with no sensation of imagination, hope, or ever-after. Just the same, there’s no sensation of fear or loss, yet all the same I am crying.
I wonder if I need to be medicated or if the medications I’ve had or been on need to be increased. I file through any changes in my life that I can blame for this sudden outburst of… nothing. I wonder if other people feel like this. I wonder how much this has to do with me. Self-blame. My mind spirals. I begin to think of things that have nothing to do with anything. I’m off subject now to where this apparent emotion started – rather than pinpointing it, I am expanding.
I wonder how many years it will take for my hands to heal from my motorcycle accident knowing I’ll never be able to wear a ring on my ring finger until then. I’ve tried. It hurts. I wonder if he even cares or if he thinks about that, but not if he thinks about ever giving me a ring so much as how often he thinks about if he shouldn’t. That’s what I wonder mostly and mostly over things like I’ve gained 10 pounds but it’s different this time. I’ve weighed this much before, but it’s not muscle. I haven’t been able to move. I can’t fit into my clothes. Or maybe I didn’t? I’ve never had any way of weighing myself. All I know is that I was 116 in the hospital. I wasn’t exactly depressed or in any state of losing weight there so maybe I was simply that skinny. Either way, nothing fits now and I’m not the only person it bothers. It is hard being two people without being separated. Period. I don’t want to have my own habits, my own lifestyle, and my own “weighs.”
My mind starts somewhere and ends up here in less than 3 minutes. Don’t ask me why or how. The thoughts continue. I think to myself, this isn’t you. At least you come across a lot less psychotic then you seem internally. You’re acting like you’re pregnant. Thank goodness there’s no way.
In one moment I can be absolutely gracious, protective, and then defensive. I plead with my boyfriend to remain my best friend through this area that I have no idea how to navigate. This morning I sat mesmerized at the edge of our bed and as he asked me half a dozen questions about where my emotions potentially were derived I denied them all as this has nothing to do with him. Everything is internal. I finally said to him that I felt like I was “bleeding out” so many aspects of huge issues and brief moments in life that I had never realized – from losing my mom and now going through the tragedy of watching someone I am so protective of and love so much lose their parent while depending on my brother and I to know what it is like at least in part to also being able to relate so many moments of living with my brother to my relationship now – my reactions, my fear, as well as being able to truly be mobile (walking/driving) for the first time since my accident in June when my brother still lived in Utah and now he is here only briefly which makes it seem to me like he is just leaving. Therefore, I am just now dealing with the fact that I can’t put on my shoes and get in my car and go hang out with him. I can’t be there for Kate after they leave. They aren’t here for me. I have to figure this out on my own and frankly, I’m not very good at it.
So my mind starts again… I wonder what I ever did without my brother. I wonder about every decision I ever made in my life and what, if any, were mine and not for him or with him somehow. I wonder what it is that I do, just me, without trying to be a part of something else.
I wonder what I’m going to do now?
Filed under: Daily Life, Relationships, boyfriends, death, siblings, what now
