I told Stark I couldn’t really believe it’s been two years. But my reason for not believing it isn’t just one of those “time flies” disbeliefs, it spans back to how it all started. We never really had that phase of trying to impress each other and then letting it dwindle down to the phase of yoga pants and no makeup. No. In fact, it’s always been that phase no thanks to having started our relationships off with a bang (and a crash) and gotten over all the “will he or won’t he” jitters by spending that cliched fourth date sleeping together in the comfort of our very own… hospital bed. But I don’t need to retell the story for the number of people who roll their eyes at this point and think that I have defined my life by this accident. I haven’t. I had quite a life before then and a drastically different but equally blessed life ever since. I have my Stark. And we came into this together with a bang and it has been nothing short of a whirlwind of changes and discoveries of what more there is in life that truly takes time to heal.
Every day has been a series of walls to climb – his and then mine, his and then mine – with no real honeymoon phase of wondering what the other might be thinking or feeling, or wearing, or if they’re going to call, or if they’ll be coming over. I am amazed at how fast it went by and sometimes I am amazed that it went by at all. I am lucky that he kept me and I am happy at my ability to hold on. I have never held on before. Ever. Throughout my life I have perfected only one ability in relationships and that is the uncanny ability to walk away and take care of myself, alone. My longest lasting relationship was years of my doing just that – surviving at a distance. But I came into this with no expectations. From that first night, propped against his shoulder in a neck brace with only the physical ability to do one thing at a time – to cry, to sleep, to talk in slurred words, to look at him, to smile, to think – I knew in that moment that I loved him for his unselfish nature and that I didn’t care how soon it was, that it would be too late if I told him at any other time other than that moment. So I told him. And I thanked him for all he was to me because he was already so much more than anything I had experienced because he had stayed. He had stayed quiet. He had stayed calm. He had stayed hungry and tired just to be my pillow for the night because I could not move or bend. It wasn’t much longer before I knew without a doubt that I would spend the rest of my life with him. I didn’t know to what capacity. I didn’t care. I had no expectations. I just knew, I would always be in his life. I didn’t matter to me if he broke my heart. I didn’t even know if I had a heart anymore to be broken or how exactly my heart felt. I just knew, I would always be in his life and I didn’t even question if that was ok with him. It didn’t matter. He was a part of me. It wasn’t anything more than knowing. I just knew. It was most certainly love and a love I hadn’t had for anyone ever before. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t question it. I just went with it.
It was the love that drove me to stay and it was the same love that gave me the courage to drop everything that had guarded me in my life as my security blanket for so many years – my jobs, my previous aspirations, my one way ticket out of Utah. I calmed down from my incredibly high speed nature. I settled down and two years later I know for a fact it hasn’t been easy, for me, and yet it feels as though it has been easy and the greatest part of my life to be loved by this one man, to have been here for these two years and know…. it’s just the beginning.
*For our anniversary Stark and I went on a quick trip to Vancouver, BC after a short week in Seattle for work. In Vancouver we went to the Suspension Bridge Park and Gastown (which just so happened to burn down on our anniversary hundreds of years ago) and on the way home, our Amtrak train broke down so our trip from Amtrak to Seattle and then on the Seattle train to the airport to our plane took about 15 hours. We were tired! The best part of coming home was that I was upgraded to first class for the first time which was somewhat ironic since almost two years earlier, on our first trip to Seattle together, Stark bought me my very first, first class ticket.