Time for an update about the month of merry May!
I’d like to say the highlight of the month was Daft Punk adding me on Twitter when I wasn’t even following them. I love when those things happen. They happen to me all the time like when Linkin Park‘s marketing team asks for my address and I’m not even a die hard fan so when they send me a bunch of free stuff I get to give it away to someone who screams like a girl at the surprise of unreleased material. It’s that sort of thing that just makes your day and makes me miss working in the music business so I can be that person. Otherwise, May was a busy month.
In May Stark was excited for the new moon as it would mark prime time for star gazing in Southern Utah. So Stark, myself, Bry, Sarah, Jeff, and Shaun all went down to Zions to stay at the coveted Zions Mountain Ranch for what just happened to be Mother’s Day weekend. Upon arrival we hiked Angel’s Landing just in time for sunset which wasn’t as glorious as one would imagine the second time around. On the contrary we had a bit of a family emergency when Sarah and Bry’s baby puppy was hit by a car and we decided to continue with our hike any way. But Jeff is timid of heights and I’m on medication that I’m not even supposed to be driving on because of depth perception yet… I’m hiking. At one point, when hiking alone for some reason, I actually fell at a point where I shouldn’t have been anything but super super super stabilized and holding on for dear life but instead my foot got stuck inside my pants on the step down because my pants were too big. I’ve never had such bad, instantaneous vertigo in my entire life. I have no fear of heights whatsoever but it was everything I could do to just not look down in order to keep my footing so my perception of what was actually in front of me stayed as clear as possible. At one point, on the way up, Shaun actually had to point out to me that I was nowhere near the trail. All I could do was nervously laugh as if I meant to wander off and look at something. But we all made it and it was somewhat stressful considering the circumstances. We were all worried about each other in a situation where all you can do is look out for yourself. But the rest of the weekend was enlightened by stargazing, a night by the fire, dinner on Lake Powell, and a fantastic visit to Antelope Canyon which was my favorite part as it was new to me.
By the end of May, Stark and I were off to a quick turnaround in Dallas for Mo’s wedding. I was nervous. I’m not a big fan of visiting Dallas anymore. I wasn’t sure what there was to go back to except bittersweet memories – one’s that I so desperately wanted to hang onto but somehow they were attached to so many secrets and memories I just didn’t want anymore. I wasn’t even sure how my friends would react to see me again. It’s been years since I have been back and I’m not entirely sure how we left it. Mo and I always seemed to be the closest and yet it’s been years since even we talked. I think we patched it up but it was hard to tell with how busy he’s been with the wedding. Noah and I had seen each other recently. Noah and I will always be friends but it’s different when we are on home ground. It’s always been different at home. Being home has never been our favorite place to be. It’s different there. Who else would I run into? Who else was invited and what would it be like to see them? I didn’t know if they would hate me or if there would be just an indifference to run into some other people who used to be on my side; people who’s corners I would always be in no matter what – like Matt or Eric. I knew David would be there. David would be right up there as one of the best men if there were such a thing in this wedding. But I knew there would be no problem there. We just never talk anymore. There’s nothing to be said but there’s nothing held back either. He’s just there and I’m here. That was then and this is now. He’ll always be someone I love and a family I know that I’ll always be a part of. Still, I wasn’t entirely sure. There was always a what if with everyone. What if Mo really didn’t want me there? What if Noah felt weird about me coming? What if David had taken sides somehow? What sides was I even creating in my head? For what? From whom? I was livid with myself to even be dividing this family that I’d had for so long with such worry. If anything it was my fault for letting it go for so long and for having ever let anything come between us. How did I ever let time go by like that, expecting someone else to be the bigger person, to read my mind, to know that I was struggling?
Being in Dallas was a relief to know that the past is always behind us and that some families are truly thicker than blood. Stark and I sat at Mo’s wedding at the same table as David’s Dad, Juan, and it was as important to me to introduce Stark to Juan as it would be for me to introduce Stark to my own father. I nearly cried. Juan talked our ear off and I beamed in true interest of every word he was saying. It wasn’t even ten minutes before he arrived at our table that I had sat there describing to Stark how important this man had been to me in a previous life as a father figure to me at a time when I truly needed one. He took care of me. He fed me. He reached out to me and made me one of his own. Then throughout the night as time went on – he put extra food on my plate and he made sure that I was taken care of. It made me smile. It validated a time in my life for me that I needed validated somehow in coming back to Texas as I sat there next to Noah with his new girlfriend, with David at the table behind us, with Mo now married to his beautiful new wife, and Hoan all grown up and yet the same as ever – my boys didn’t seem as far away from me as they actually were in their lives, in miles, in accomplishments. Somehow it seemed just enough the same that it was ok and I could squeeze the hand of the one I loved right there beside me and know that we were all in this together and not all growing apart; that I am still their Caz and not just a girl they once knew that will somehow become a disappointing memory in the past. I will remain a sister, a girlfriend, a best friend, and a daughter to each and every one of them in their hearts and still get to be who I am and who I am with. And it’ll be ok… I get to go home and it’s not all nightmares for memories anymore.