I haven’t been handling things very well these last few days. It’s that terrible mix of not wanting to speak to anyone and wondering where everyone I normally speak to is. There was a side of me that new the practical, drama free side of everything, but that logic wasn’t winning over well enough to keep me reaction free when I made two batches of cinnamon rolls in an attempt to over something tasty and familiar to Stark for his birthday. The first batch was ruined because the recipe was not correct. The second batch was edible but just not right because everything takes a bit of practice here where ingredients are made of up of different things. But, they tasted gooey and delicious none the less, and that delicious taste lasted all of one day before a new army of cockroaches managed to march on our kitchen, past all previous poisoning efforts. “This is a good thing,” says the exterminator. “That means we are being effective.”. Right. Sure. I know. It takes time – one of those things I haven’t felt like I have a lot of these days.
In a previous post, I talked about dividing work life from home life – part of where these walkabout ideas came from. I feel like I have been doing better with that, but I’m not quite there.
I can’t say for sure what has been bothering me. My only guess is how time to yourself isn’t as mentally obvious when everything you do is in one place. I work from home. I cook at home. I write from home. Even when I’m not at home, it is to meet someone or run an errand. Alone time is one of those things I always realise is important in hindsight. While Stark is often gone, being alone at home doesn’t count when I’m working or being little miss housewife.
In the States, I worked in an office most days and spent time alone by commuting on the train for two hours a day. That time was more valuable than I realised then and I realise now that I miss THAT part of my day more than interacting with people (but I miss that too). So I need to quite literally find my place here in Sydney so I can start to feel better about me.
Without that part of life that allows me new ideas, collaboration, creativity, or whatever it is, I’m not sure, I get stagnant with my working ability and I get so very, very down on myself.
I have been feeling down, incapable, and unfamiliar with who I am. I’ve felt unhealthy and tired. I’ve felt overwhelmed and lazy. I guess it all comes down to feeling like I am on opposite sides of an emotion all of the time.
Somehow I need to catch up and get ahead of this while stepping back and trying to feel relaxed enough to calm down about life. While others have their go-to of reading a book or going on a run, what has worked for me before, doesn’t work here. I never quite realised how those go-to moments required a certain Cafe or a certain mountain breeze for it to all be what I needed. I’m still looking for that go-to here.
So this weekend I am spending time on the things that are overlooked; on the small and seemingly insignificant items that I’ve been forgetting to do. I’m less concerned with going out and getting things than I am with working on what I have here.
I’m learning a new way of cooking. I’m trying new recipes. I’m organising. I’m brightening. And I am relaxing.
I am also starting the rough draft of my second novel today. With another November underway, and Stark travelling so much this month – the timing is perfect for me to push out another 50,000 words in only a few weeks. This time, I may even let you read them. Until then, just know that I am writing much more interesting things and with better grammar in a place you’ll eventually know. Maybe writing will help me find my corner of the city where I can get away from even myself for just a little while.
Left to right, top to bottom
1. The view from the Milson’s Point train station, the station right there next to Kirribilli
2. A one-legged seagull knowing full well what it’ll take to him to survive. I would have helped him out but he seemed just fine on his own. Still, it made me wonder if he had a good fight with a shark or a terrifying battle with garbage in the harbour. In that case, I hope it will was a victory over a Harbour Bull Shark.
3. It. Never. Gets. Old. You’re going to have to bare with my near daily photos of the Jacaranda trees.
4. Taking an old and familiar route via Lavender Bay. I love how many Bayside parks there are and how the views always have such true, amazing colours in perfect contrast.
5. I saw these hanging from a street lamp in Kirribilli and smiled. It makes me feel like I live in Williamsburg, NYC or some place that’s swanky and hipster all the same – as if the most prestigious flats in the East Village were pushed up against the water. I can’t bare to throw my first pair of Chucks up over a pole, no matter how symbolic it may be. Maybe my next pair…
None the less, these shoes had Neon Shoe Diaries written on their soles – obviously some clever marketing for a blogger somewhere. The website turned up with nothing so it made me wonder just how long those shoes had been there and how many times I might have overlooked them because I have this terrible habit of always looking down.