I can’t even remember a day so intense, so angering, so completely overwhelming and blood curdling as today has been for me. I felt like I had the blood pressure of an overweight, 85 year old, life-long chain smoker. Really, I can’t even begin to explain the way the pressure built around the temples of my skull and this thing…. this monster felt as though it were pushing out at every direction. The most sane, calm thing I could imagine doing during these moments were along the lines of reaching out to a complete stranger and decking them as hard as I could right across their innocent, smug little face for something as insignificant as walking too slow or looking at me for too long. At other times I felt like I was on some strange, whirling roller coaster where I could never quite brace myself for the next overwhelm from unforeseen drops and terrifying jolts because it was all just coming out of nowhere. I suppose for some, this kind of thing describe their every day commute as the feeling they have being stuck in traffic. For some, this minefield of near detonation is just how their life ticks on, like a time bomb constantly teetering at just 2 seconds left. And countdown… For me, feeling as green and unmighty as the Hulk in his most raging moments was hardly familiar.
My neck felt hot, like I had a sunburn working its way from the inside-out. I would think that if I had any ability to grit my teeth together in utter anxiety, that the veins in my neck would have never fallen to even a moment of ease between the hours of 9am and well…. I suppose it is almost midnight.
Today had no grace. I had no charm. I had no ability to fake it until I made it, or to step aside and let it fade into something I might just deal with later. What I don’t understand, even in hindsight, is what exactly happened.
Sure, I’ve had these times before, but it wasn’t understandable then either. Sometimes you can chalk crazy up to simple factors, like – I didn’t sleep very well last night or the overused but always credible that time of month excuse. Today had none of that. I slept better than I have in months! I’ve had time to relax. I’ve had time to have adventures. I’ve had time to myself. I’ve had lots of exercise. I’ve been out in the sun. So why? WHY?
Days like today are things I like to refer to as “happen-stance” rather than circumstance. Things just HAPPENED and therefore created a quite unusual and unfortunate situation. Hence, circumstance. But rather, happenstance.
Today’s happenstance was one of the most lethal combinations of so many incredibly stressful things. Days that I can possibly describe “like” today are usually an odd combination of things that cause stress, bringing out that “this is the last straw” feeling. Yet, on their own, no ONE situation is really dramatic enough to even cause a distinct emotion. Not today. No, today was an animal in and of itself in which so many things came to a head that I swear I blanked out for half the day. I can’t even tell you all of what happened. I don’t even want to recall. All I can say is I am glad I survived. Barely and not even surely. And you might want to steer clear for a while. I need about five days locked in a padded room to get over the strange and unusual combination of a day like today. There are no words other than I’m sorry and I’ll be back later….