I’ve been thinking about writing several things as of late. Writing a new blog post comes to me like a voice inside, muttering Rain Man-like notes through my mind. “What if I… what if I… what if I said… what if I wrote… what if I… what if I…”
So, here I am.
I’m in a new space.
Literally and figuratively.
I’ve never sat here before. That is, before today.
Today is new. I want it to be new. I hope that it is new. I’ve worked hard for this.
Today marks a new version of myself and my life. From here on out, yesterday is the lowest of lows. And today… today is the new New.
There are moments in life that are a restart, a refresh, or even a repeat. There are few moments for us all where we have the opportunity to truly draw a line in the sand of our own time and say to ourselves, “This is now,” and have it mean something forever.
Today, I sit at a new desk. I stand with a whole new set of friends. I go forward with a new title. Owner. Entrepreneur. Friend. Teammate. Leader of the pack.
I was saying to Stark how strange it feels, like it should feel more special and somehow unique to wake up and know that from this moment on everything is forward. The mistakes I’ve made time and time again in my life are done. They are through. From here on out, when I digress, I digress to this day. To this plateau of time that I have been resting on so comfortably, yet so impatient for far too long.
Today wasn’t momentous. Instead, it was a rotation of complete change. Everything is in its place. This is the new “as it should be” and so there is truly nothing to celebrate. There’s nothing to celebrate at the starting line, which is exactly where we are. Where I am.
This is only the beginning…
And perhaps that is why I feel no different at all. I’m not sure what I feel other than a momentary ping of guilt lurking underneath for no other reason than to remind me that in my former life, day before today, in a land far beyond yesterday I would have been the type of person to cause myself to believe I don’t deserve this. I didn’t do this. This isn’t my own. I can’t rely on it.
But that was then. This is now.
Today is the new New. It is a lifetime from just two days ago when I had a break, not a break down. In that other life, I became entirely fed up with myself. Beyond impatient. Beyond upset. Just… done!
No more complaints. No more excuses. No more attempts to control time or be controlled by a substance meant to make me bearable to any other human, or controlled by a memory making life unbearable for me. I’m sick of it. I grew sick of myself.
Life simply is. How can it not be? I’ve wasted so much of my life in chronic self-improvement behaviors forgetting that none of it really means anything at all if I can’t simply recognize life for what it is. Time.
I thought time was my enemy. I thought time was the very thing that caused me to want to sleep all the time and still, all the while, keeping me from any real sleep at all. I felt the teetering weight of procrastination-induced success, knowing that everything I’ve made of myself and built for myself lies within one completely unimportant truth – I do it ALL because I was avoiding doing something of greater importance.
That’s the truth. That’s what I’ve learned of myself, anyway. And how can you truly ever self-improve or be happy if the very thing you’ve built your entire life around keeps you from having any real personal success at all. Because to succeed would mean that you have to decelerate your sense of success in the more human, social areas of life.
I’m sure none of this makes sense, but to me it makes absolute sense. It makes more sense than anything I’ve ever figured out of life up to this point, and as a result I feel free. But not the kind of freedom that you celebrate. Not the kind of weightlessness of no longer being shackled by something. No. It is the kind of free that leaves you void of anything. Neutral.
For the first time in my life, I feel undefined. And that’s ok. This is exactly where I need to be.
The new New.